Humans have enjoyed eggs for basically our entire existence on this planet, and for good reason. They are both tasty and nutritious. Because of this, there are a plethora of different ways that we humans have developed to prepare them such as over easy, sunny side, boiled, and poached. That being said, there is only one objectively correct way to prepare them, and that is to scramble them. Now, you may personally prefer any of the other preparation methods, and that is okay. You are allowed to be wrong.
So, how does one perfectly scramble eggs? Fortunately for you, I am actually an expert in preparing eggs, otherwise known as an "eggspert" to those in the know.
Step 1: Heat the pan
As we learned from Prometheus when he stole fire from Olympus and shared it with humanity, fire is a really useful tool. It can be used to keep us warm when the air is cold. It can also be used to cook food in order to decrease the possibility of food borne illness and to increase palatability.
However, most humans that I know, contemporarily, use electric cooking devices, so most likely, none of that is relevant to how you need to heat the pan. Just turn the dial on your burner to medium heat or whatever. It isn't really important.
Step 2: Prep the eggs
Take your eggs out of the refrigerator, or if you live in the civilized world, the pantry, and crack them against a hard surface. Empty the eggs into a container which you can whisk them inside of.
If you are a psychopath, this would be the time to add approximately 1 tablespoon of milk per large egg, you sicko. Why do you even have to go around drinking the mammary fluid of another species like some kind of creep? What is wrong with you? You do know that milk is meant for the infants of a species. Right? Why are you robbing infants of their mother's milk? What? Was stealing candy just not good enough for you? You needed to punch just a little lower. Didn't you? I-I don't even know where to start with you. You are disgusting. Do you hear me? Disgusting.
Anyway, if you haven't already, whisk your eggs until they are relatively consistent throughout.
Step 3: Oil the pan
You want to coat the pan in a nice even layer of oil. The pan should already be warmed up by now, so things like butter and margarine should melt pretty easily at this point. I shouldn't need to tell you how much to use. You've got this. You are very smart actually. You probably even think you're better than me.
Well, if you are so smart, you should be the one writing this article. Go ahead. Finish the rest of this section, genius.
Step 4: Add the eggs to the pan
Add the egg mixture we created in a previous step to the pan. Ultimately, you will want to stir this brilliant creation with a spatula or some other utensil, but you'll want to wait just a little bit or else you'll be wasting all that arm movement before the show has actually begun.
ℹ️ NOTE: Do not use metal utensils on a metal pan. I know it makes a pleasant sound, but it will open a portal to another dimension disrupting the cooking process.
At this point, you'll probably be on your phone scrolling through TikTok or Instagram. That's fine. As long as you don't leave the eggs for too long, it should be okay. Right? You don't even really know why you keep scrolling, yet you can't exactly bring yourself to stop. Can you? Anytime you have a moment to wait, you just pull your phone right out. This glowing, buzzing, thinking box connected to the world's largest advertising network remains always within reach. It doesn't even end up making you feel happy or satisfied. Every waking second just needs to be occupied with something keeping your attention. You never asked for this. It is your birthright. You occasionally consider minimizing the use of your phone, but the fact is that, in our increasingly isolated world, it is one of the only ways to make new connections and to keep the ones you have. Why does everyone you care about keep moving away anyway? It feels like everyone you know nowadays just lives so far away that you barely see them in person anymore, and that is if there is free time.
Step 5: Oh, wait. I was supposed to be cooking right now.
Ugh. The eggs are all stuck to the pan, overcooked and gross now. Why does this always happen to me?