LOCAL—John Doe was pumped today to receive an email from his long time friend, Donot Reply.
"Dono [sic] has been with me for as long as I can remember," John said to our correspondent, "He's a real ride or die friend, there for me whenever I apply for jobs, order food, or pay my electric bill. He's always the first to tell me, 'Your Amazon order has shipped and is arriving on Monday.'."
John opened up to our correspondent that he typically replies to each email he receives from Donot, but hasn't for the last week because he felt as though he might have overstepped.
"I was worried that I had scared him away," John admitted. "He never replies directly to my emails, but without fail, he consistently has something clever to say whenever Hot Topic has new band tees."
According to sources close to John, he was inordinately excited today to see his inbox filled with soulless automated junk mail.
"I feel kind of bad for him" said John's coworker, Dale, "but not like, bad enough to reach out, you know?" He paused, "Does that make me a bad person?"
Our correspondent did not reply.